It's a Pharmacist's Life
by bilaterus
Summary: A one-shot/drabble series involving everyone's favourite pharmacist... No, wait, I mean evil scientist, I think? Well I'm not going back to change the title now. Currently showing: The time Heinz comes up with another story of his own...
1. Snow

**Hello! This fic will be a series of one-shots about Doofenshmirtz based on various prompts I've collected from various places. I hope you'll find them creative and engaging. Would that make them 'creaging'? 'Engative'? It's probably something like that.**

**The tone of the chapters will vary, so if one chapter isn't to your taste, maybe the next will be. The prompts are also quite general, so maybe they'll inspire you with a different idea for a different character! **

**Here goes.**

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_**Write about the first time your character experienced snow.**_

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A sharp "Bewegen sie nicht!" caused Heinz to snap back to attention.

It was a night colder than any Heinz could remember. He sighed, his breath forming a fleeting cloud before disappearing, as if it was glad to get away from him. He didn't know how many nights he had been standing out any more - the nights really start to blend together after the second or third week of being the family lawn gnome.

Well, it had been at least 104 days, he reasoned (an odd number of days to choose, but he stood by it). He had watched autumn come and go, had watched the leaves on the trees in his vision go from lush green to deep reds, browns and golds, before falling off and turning to a wet mushy layer on the ground. Cast off from the trees, like Heinz himself had been from his house and family.

It had to be that way, of course, both for the leaves and for him. But apart from the moon (and his neighbour, Kenny), the leaves were the only company he had during the Autumn nights, and seeing them float to the ground one by one until they were all on the floor, to be trampled underfoot, upset him greatly.

The weather had grown colder too. He couldn't shiver or move around a lot without risk of a scolding, so he was sensitive to the temperature. He knew it would get bad as winter approached, but he didn't think it would get this bad. His nose especially felt as if it would fall off.

That would be terrible. If his nose broke, then he wouldn't be able to serve his duty as a lawn gnome, and then who would protect their garden from witches, spells, wood trolls?

He was in the middle of this thought when something moved in his vision. Something small, like a white dot. It fell from the sky, but it wasn't rain.

Heinz blinked. Did he imagine it? Was it a witch's spell?

Another dot floated downwards, slowly, unthreatening. Heinz stared at it as it fell and landed softly on the ground. He felt one land on his shoulder and he flinched. Was their house under attack from the sky? Maybe if he didn't move, the dot wouldn't hurt him?

Minutes passed as his fear and terror built up. More white dots fell all around him, landing on the ground and staying there, building up slowly. They were under attack from the sky, he knew it. He closed his eyes and wished desperately for it to go away, for it to do no harm to his family. He could feel more of the dots landing on him.

More minutes passed. But he felt fine - maybe the dots meant no harm? Eventually, curiosity got the better of him, and he cautiously touched the place where the first dot had landed on him. The spot was wet, and he looked at his shoulder to see there was no dot there. It had turned into water?

Soon, the whole ground was covered in a thin layer of white. The drops were falling thicker now. He looked around, amazed. Even the trees were coated in white. What kind of spell was this? It didn't seem to do anything except turn everything colourless and make things damp.

And then a particular dot caught his eye. Only this one wasn't just a dot. It was a beautiful white crystal, a symmetric geometric piece of art. Enthralled, he stretched out his hands and the fragile crystal landed in them, gently. For a brief moment, all of his worries were forgotten.

There was a sudden scuffling of feet from behind and Heinz jumped, the crystal shattering. There, in the doorway of the house, stood his father. Past his father, his mother was sitting on the rocking chair, Roger sleeping on her lap. They were beside the fireplace, a wondrous beacon of heat and light. Just the sight of it filled Heinz with warmth. He longed to sit beside it, until a wind blew that bit his cheek and reminded him of his place.

His father's scowling face planted guilt in Heinz's mind. How long had his father been watching him? Was he supposed to have done something about the white dots? What would his punishment be for moving?

He then realised he was shivering, and couldn't stop himself doing it.

When his father finally spoke, his face was still stony and impassive. "Come inside."

Heinz's eyes widened. It was a test, surely. Maybe it wasn't even his father, but a wood troll in disguise?

"B-But, the garden…" he croaked, realising with a start how weak his voice sounded.

"Dummkopf!" he shouted. "Snow will protect garden. No need for you to continue to be bad lawn gnome."

Heinz hesitated, then could restrain himself no longer and shuffled gratefully into the house, the fire causing feeling to return to his hands and feet and nose, and making all of the white dots on him to disappear.

It snowed for the next 6 nights, too, after which, right on the morning of January the 1st, another lawn gnome was delivered to the house.

* * *

**Poor Heinz. But things turn out alright eventually. **

**If you have prompt suggestions, or requests, or you just want to see more, let me know! Your thoughts are appreciated. **

**Take care.**


	2. Lottery

**This chapter was also pretty much the result of me sitting down one night and writing down the ideas the prompt gave me. Hopefully this continues to happen for the next few prompts.**

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_**Write the fanfiction your character would write about another character or pairing.**_

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Hello, evil readers. It is I, Heinz Doofenshmirtz, with a Phinbella story that will be the key to my Tri-State domination!

...

**Wait a second, that's not the right prompt! And I've done this one already anyway.  
**

**Ok, the proper prompt now.**

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_**Write about what happens when your character plays the lottery.**_

* * *

"Quiet, Norm, it's starting!"

Heinz leapt onto the couch, clutching the tiny slip of paper in hand.

He had a good feeling about tonight. Every other day, his luck had been terrible, but that was just because he hadn't made the proper preparations. Today, he had everything in order, from the lucky foot from an old plush rabbit he had found in his basement, to the 12-leafed clover he had spent all day carefully genetically engineering.

If that wasn't enough, he'd had a sign from the gods of evil science themselves that morning when he accidentally dropped a piece of toast that he had already buttered and it had landed butter side up. Butter side up! Doof was pretty sure that it violated some physical Law of the Universe, but anyway it meant that nothing could go wrong for him.

_Yes, _he thought, grinning as he glanced again at the paper with his lotto numbers on it. _Even Perry the Platypus couldn't stop me tonight!_

Heinz obviously _knew _that the chance of winning the lottery was approximately 1 in 13,983,816, and he _knew _that lotteries were designed to deprive mathematically ignorant people of their money in exchange for a tiny glimmer of hope of an amazing life gained by doing no work at all, but this was different. He wasn't a mathematically ignorant person. He was a mathematically ignorant _evil scientist._ He had all sorts of sinister techniques he could employ in order to bolster his chances. For him, winning the lottery was only really a matter of time.

Plus, he had the buttered toast thing going for him today, so he was kind of unstoppable.

He even knew which numbers to pick. Naturally, his first 3 numbers were 2, 9, and 37, which multiplied together to give something really evil. Next was pi, the well-known number that was important in trigonometry and, hence, fundamental in making teenagers break down emotionally over its mathematical fiendishness. His 5th number was e, the exponential constant, which had to do with growth and rates of change. Finally he had i, the infamous square root of minus 1, which was so evil it wasn't even on the number line!

How could he possibly fail with _that _lineup?

The TV show began. "Welcome to the six o'clock news," said the anchorman. "Coming up, we talk to leading chronologists about how long this summer has really been. But first, this week's lottery numbers."

"Here it comes…!" Doof was shaking with anticipation.

"And the winning numbers are: 2, 9, 37, e, pi, and i, the square root of minus 1!"

It took a moment to sink in. "I won?" Doof said. "I mean, I won! Yippee! Norm, get the champagne!"

"You mean the soda that isn't fully flat?" Norm asked, poking his head out from the kitchen to see his father figure almost literally bouncing off the walls as if he was made of energy.

"Oh Norm, I'm too happy to even be angry at your incompetence," Heinz said gleefully. "Yes, pour a cup of the soda… oh what the heck, bring the whole bottle!"

Heinz's brain was already bubbling with ideas about what to do with the money. _I could build a Made Of Platinum-Inator! No, wait, that's nonsense - I've already built a Made Of Gold - Inator before, I can't do the same thing twice… _

Norm handed him the bottle and and he took a sip from it absent-mindedly, still lost in thought. _With all of the money, I could buy the position of mayorship and become the ruler of the entire Tri-State Area! Ugh, but then I'd have to talk to _Roger_, and I'm not doing that any more than I have to..._

_Oh, I could buy control of the OWCA! Then I could force Monogram to do all my dirty laundry. And I can get Perry the Platypus to be my butler again, and…_

The doorbell rang, interrupting Doof's visualisation of his takeover of the OWCA. "Ah, that must be the lottery guys, with my giant winnings cheque!" Doof exclaimed. "Ooh, I can smell the oversized cardboard now!"

He rushed to open the door, Norm trundling obediently behind him. There, indeed, the presenter stood, carrying under one arm the incredibly large cheque, while a single cameraman stood just behind him. The man checked his watch, almost impatiently.

"Congratulations, Mr. Doofyblatz," the presenter said.

The congratulations were given with a little less enthusiasm than one would expect for the presenter of a huge cheque, but Heinz was too happy to notice. "It's actually _Dr_. Doofyblatz, not Mr," Heinz pointed out. "And it's actually Dr. _Doofenshmirtz."_

"Right. Well, here's your cheque."

"Groovy!" Heinz said as he grabbed the cheque from under the presenter's arm. "Oh man, I can't tell you how much I plan to do with this cheque for… 87 dollars!?"

"Yeah, pretty much every pharmacist in the Tri-State Area picked the same numbers," the man sighed. "So they all won, and the pot was split between all the winners. I've got to visit another 112 people tonight alone."

"But, but…" Heinz stuttered.

"Smile," the cameraman said gruffly, but Heinz's expression did not change from a look of shattered dreams and sheer disbelief. The men then left, leaving a still stunned Doof standing in his doorway, clutching his oversized cheque.

"I'll get the ice-cream, sir," said Norm.

* * *

**Poor Heinz. **

**Take care, evil readers!**


	3. Aliens

**The time. Where does it all go...**

* * *

The sun had finally fallen below the horizon and, instinctively, Heinz relaxed. For some reason, he preferred evenings to mornings and afternoons. Well, the reason wasn't much of a mystery. After all, the afternoons were when most of his thwartings happened. Suddenly, he understood his old mentor Professor Destructicon's motive to set fire to the sun a lot better.

Doof spun the bath taps, and hot water poured into the tub. A night time soak was Heinz's guilty pleasure. Guilty because it wasn't like his usual pleasures - there was something legitimate about it, something non-evil, compared to enjoying the suffering of others or planning elaborate, not at all petty revenge schemes. Plus, by this point in the day, he was invariably covered by soot, widgets, and fire, from his daily thwarting.

He wandered onto the balcony as the bath filled, and looked up at the stars. His feelings about them changed often: sometimes, they filled him with serenity; other times, their twinkling seemed to mock his every failure; yet other times, he played with the idea of turning them into an evil scheme. He could block them all from the sky until they handed rulership of the Tri-State Area to him, but he was already being beaten to that by sky pollution.

Which was at an all-time low in Danville, thanks to his brother. Ugh. Sometimes he wished he could just leave the planet and start over.

Then, suddenly, the ground turned green and started shrinking. An odd weightlessness came over him.

_Aha! My levitation therapy has finally worked! _Doof deduced. _Although the green tint is a little random..._

Heinz then looked up to see the giant flying saucer that was projecting the beam in which he was captured. _Oh. I'm being abducted again. Wow, the novelty sure wears thin pretty quickly._

On board the ship, the alien captain and several of his advisors waited anxiously for the arrival of their first ever abductee.

"This had better not be a waste of time, Slartibue," grumbled the captain. "The paperwork is already starting to pile up."

"I'm sure, sir," the advisor replied, voice nasal (in equivalent human terms) in contrast to the captain's. "I think. I mean, I, well, the theory suggests that an invasion is 65% more likely to, succeed if it's, er, preceded by an abduction of type-"

"Quiet, he's here," the captain interrupted. He cleared his throat and prepared himself while the human materialised on the materialisation pad.

"Pathetic human!" he boomed, as intimidatingly as possible. "I'm sure you're quivering in fear at our superior tech- wait, where did he go?"

"Hey, this wiring isn't bad," Doof said in admiration, a large piece of wire tubing in his hands. "But if you could get your hands on some T-27 thermal couplings, you could totally double your power supply."

"Hey, you're our prisoner, start acting like one!" the captain roared at the misbehaving human.

"Alright, you're the boss," Heinz said, leaving the wiring as it was and inspecting some of the panelling. "Oh, and you guys can spare the whole introduction. My abduction card has been punched way too many times already."

"I... see..." The captain cleared his throat once more. "Have all humans such intricate knowledge of interstellar spaceships as you?"

"Well, I don't know about _intricate_," Heinz said. "But I'm sure a lot of them have been on a spaceship or two. I mean, I've been on several, and it's only been a single summer! Quite a long one, admittedly, but..."

"Hm, clearly we need to learn more about your species before we invade Earth," the captain mused. "And you seem knowledgeable about your race. Very well, I shall make you a deal: share with us the weaknesses of the human race, and we will give you a position of power over a Tri-State Area-sized piece of land after we secure our dominion of Earth."

"Huh, so I get to choose between staying faithful to the human race, which has never done anything for me, or sell out, to achieve my long time evil goals?" Heinz pondered. "What a tough decision…"

* * *

"- and if you erase anybody's favourite TV show recordings, then you'll really make them angry. Oh, and the same goes if you take away their watermelon, for some reason. Yeah, people are kinda weird like that…"

"He's talked non-stop for half a Blixonian hour," the captain complained to Slartibue, as they both observed Doof rambling into the recording device. "Plus, he's so hideous."

"I agree, sir."

"Quiet. I'm not sure if it is a good idea to invade Earth after all, if all humans are as talkative and ugly as this one."

"I've actually been running some calculations, sir, and it may actually be unprofitable to invade Earth," Slartibue said. "That is, unless we modify our attack policy and-"

"Right, right," the captain said dismissively. "Plus the paperwork…" He thought silently for a few more moments, as their prisoner continued talking relentlessly. Then, the captain pushed a button and the recording machine sunk into the ship's floor, causing the puzzled Doof to finally stop talking.

"Well, I assume you guys got enough to work with for now," Doof said, oblivious to the decision the aliens had made. "Soooo, are we going to talk about where I'm going to become the absolute ruler of? I kinda like the Connecticut area, it's quaint."

"There's been a change of plans," the captain said tersely. "We're not invading Earth after all. Stand by for teleportation."

And before Heinz could object, he was standing back on his balcony, as if he never left.

"Ugh. I suppose this was inevitable," he sighed. "Even more so than the lottery thing last Tuesday. Could this get any worse?"

"Oh, and the apartment is flooded, obviously. Real clever, bilaterus, really, great writing-"

* * *

**And that's a good place to stop, naturally. Well, see you all next time, whenever that is!**


	4. Ghost

**Another pseudo-birthday update! This is a little short, but it was fun to write. This one is set early on in the series, before a certain episode takes place. It should be clear which one I mean.**

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**_Write about what happens when your character gets visited by one of their heroes/mentors (in ghost form)._**

* * *

_Ah, sleep, _Heinz thought contentedly, as he settled into bed, his blue and white striped nightcap, matching his pyjamas, perched lazily on his head. _The only time when my nemesis cannot thwart me. _He slipped under the covers, preparing to fall asleep imagining sweet schemes of vengeance and Tri-State domination.

_"Woo..."_

Heinz's nightcap stood alert on his head. "Who's there?" He pulled the covers up to his eyes. "Is it a ghost?"

_"Woo..."_

"Ohh, I get it," Doof said. "It's just the wind." He turned expectantly towards the window, but it was shut. "Huh. Well how about that. Plus the insulator guy was here just yesterday…"

"_Woo…"_

"Ohh, I get it now," Doof yawned, lying back down and wrapping the covers over him . "Cut it out, Norm!"

Then the ghost materialised. "_Wait, who's Norm?"_

"Aha, I knew it!" Doof pointed triumphantly, whipping the covers off of him, his nightcap too joining him in pointing. "...Well, I'd like to say that, but I didn't know, so I suppose I retract my victorious exclamation."

"_You tricked me into revealing myself!" the ghostly figure complained. It was a typical translucent white, and its bottom half faded into a phantom tail, as it floated a few inches above the ground. "This haunting is not going as well as I'd hoped."_

"Wait a second," Heinz said slowly. "Professor Destructicon?"

_"Oh please, you're a friend,"_ the ghost said dismissively. _"Call me Kevin."_

Doof sat up, now excited and curious as to the purpose of the spectral visit from his old mentor.

"It's been so long, Kevin! I mean, the last time I saw you was at the, well, you know."

_"Yes, I still cannot believe that bionic limb gained sentience..." _

"But wait, how are you a ghost?" Doof said curiously. "You're not dead, well, as far as I know. Also, ghosts aren't real, again as far as I know, though if they are real I'd have to rethink some of my evil schemes..."

_"Ah, I'm actually-"_

"I've got it!" Doof cut in, excitedly. "This is one of those lucid dreams where I become aware I'm dreaming and can control everything!" He leapt out of bed, his nightcap wiggling excitedly. "One, two, and..."

He leapt off the bed, desiring to fly, only to fall flat on his nose with a cringe-worthy crunch.

_"Will you stop interrupting me?" Kevin roared, his ghostly figure rippling in unearthly rage. "I've been here for 400 words and still not managed to tell you the purpose of my visit!"_

"Ok, sorry," Doof said timidly, rubbing his broken nose. "But could I ask one more thing?"

_"What?"_

"Why is all of your speech in italics? Only my thoughts are supposed to be like that."

Kevin just stared at him.

"Ok ok, I'll stop. So, Kevin, why'd you drop by?"

Kevin cleared his throat (though as a ghost, he didn't have one). _"Partly I wanted to haunt you, for the fun of it, but mostly I came to ask for a favour. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, I want you destroy my old hideout, and also, SET FIRE TO THE SUN!"_

Doof blinked.

_"Don't look at me like that!"_ he complained. _"It was the scheme I was working on before they took me away. So I want you to finish what I started and SET FIRE TO THE SUN, before destroying my hideout and its secrets."_

"Dude, the sun is literally a big ball of fire," Doof said. "It makes no sense! You're really going to have to let that one go."

Kevin sighed. _"Fine, then just destroy the hideout. You remember where it is, I'm sure."_

"No problem, leave it to me!" Doof said brightly, his nightcap saluting. "But wait, before you go, you never told me how you're here..."

_"Well, I'm just projecting myself into your dream using one of my devices,"_ he explained. _"I thought it'd be more dramatic than using my one phone call."_

"So it IS a dream!" Heinz said. "It certainly explains why my nightcap seems to have a mind of its own. Plus, in real life, Norm is not a polar bear."

Indeed, the polar bear in question stood in the doorway, holding a tray fresh out of the oven with oven mitts.

"It's muffin time, sir!"

* * *

**I hope you enjoyed it! Take care.**


	5. Ransom

**Huh, it's awfully quiet here in the fandom now. Oh well, let's move onward.**

**This one isn't so much of a prompt, but I'm quite happy with the idea all the same. Please forgive me for any mistakes in my references. It's been a while.**

* * *

_**An in-depth analysis of an early ransom note of Dr. Lloyd Wexler and its ties to the evil backstory**_

_by Heinz Doofenshmirtz_

* * *

Greetings, esteemed evil reader! This is my thesis for a PhD in evilology for the online Advanced Evil class, as supervised by Dr. Gevaarlijk.

...Well, it would be, if she hadn't called me a disgrace to the field of evil and had banned me from attending her seminars. Still! I have managed to complete the thesis on my own (and in case you are confused, I wrote these two paragraphs _after _writing the thesis, so there's no time travel or violation of causality going on here).

Anywho. My thesis is about an early ransom note of my evil idol, Dr. Lloyd Wexler. I read his evil autobiography - _Inside an Evil Mind: The Dr. Wexler Story _\- and I loved it! My thesis aims to prove why his evil ransom note was so incredibly great and why we all have so much to learn from Dr. Wexler's work and why we should all be in total awe of his evil career.

Ok, time to start the analysis!

Hm, where to start… well, the first thing that jumped out at me was the way Dr. Wexler used cut-outs from magazines instead of hand-writing the ransom note, as one commonly sees in the work of amateurs and attempts by children. Now, using cut-outs is a common technique and barely warrants any further explanation in an academic piece of work of this level… but I'm going to anyway since the minimum word requirement for the thesis is 500 words. (500! That's so many! Especially for someone like me, who's no good at rambling on and on and on...)

Anywho. Using cut-outs from magazines allows the ransomer to preserve their anonymity - if you handwrite a ransom note, the police can identify who you are. This is because everybody's 'finger-prints' are unique, and 'finger-prints' is a hip slang term used for 'hand-writing', I'm pretty sure.

Another thing that using cut-outs is good for is that it makes the ransom note look all menace-y and threatening. Dr. Wexler cleverly ensured this by using cut-outs from a variety of sources such as the super-popular Hello Kitty bi-weekly magazine. The juxtaposition of the ominous message and the bright pink 'i's dotted with little hearts made for a seriously sinister ransom note that even I shivered at while reading!

Honestly, Dr. Wexler was a real genius! Simply reading his beautiful work is the perfect way to spend an evening after being dumped halfway through a first date because you accidentally turned her plate into a warthog and somehow that offends her.

Another thing about the ransom note is what exactly Dr. Wexler was asking for in return for what he had stolen. Rather than something cliche like money, he went for something more relevant to his own nefarious plans: 100 chicken eggs.

Common criticisms of Dr. Wexler's work is that it would have been much more time and cost effective to have just bought the eggs instead of purchasing the 17 different magazines used for the ransom note. They say that using cut-outs from magazines is cliche, impractical, and ineffective.

My response to this? "Lay off of Dr. Wexler, you ingrates!"

I can't believe that there are evil scientists with the audacity to criticise my idol! Obviously Dr. Wexler is great, or he wouldn't be the role model that I'm going to totally base my own evil formula on! I mean, sure he _could've _just bought the eggs he wanted. But where's the evil in that? Where's the pizzazz, the panache, the pistachio, the showmanship? If he did as the wet blankets of the evil scientists suggested, would the ransom note have been referred to in a passing comment on national news at 2 am?

Honestly. Some people just don't _get _evil.

On with the analysis! Dr. Wexler explained in his autobiography, _Inside an Evil Mind: The Dr. Wexler Story_, that he needed the 100 eggs to bake a particularly large batch of cupcakes that I assume he would use to power some sort of Cupcake-Inator-like device. This makes total sense given the fact that, the cupcakes were responsible for his lifetime ban from chinese restaurants. He writes in his autobiography:

_Upon completing my oriental meal, I politely requested the waiter requisition me a muffin, in order that I may conclude my evening intake of sustenance. However, my incompetent attendant, in a most contrite tone, conveyed to me that they did not serve the delectable little dessert, and he offered me fortune cookies instead as an appeasement. The appropriate period for muffins, or 'Muffin Time' as I have dubbed it, was quickly passing, and I grew increasingly firm in my demands for the final necessary constituent of my supper. Eventually, I was forcibly removed from the restaurant, to the applause of the other customers of the establishment. It was from that moment that I swore revenge on the Better Panda restaurant._

Upon reading this backstory, the reason why he had stolen the fortune cookies in the first place becomes clear! Ransoming the very fortune cookies the restaurant had used to mock him in exchange for eggs to be used in the next stage of his revenge… this inimitable, elegant, seamless blending of backstory and revenge scheme, this implicit signature of Dr. Wexler's work prominent even from early on in his evil career… it's just so beautiful! I'm tearing up just writing about it!

I'm not sure whether the ransom note was successful or not - Dr. Wexler never mentioned it in his book. However, it must have been successful, surely! He wrote in his ransom note: "Get me those eggs, and I'll be sending you one fortune a day until you do!" I mean, he stole 10,000 fortune cookies!

I mean, I don't actually know how much fortune cookies are worth. I assume it's a lot. I mean, it's a cookie, with a precise slip of paper _inside _it, imprinted upon which is a personalized fortune for the eventual recipient! They must be worth a fortune! (I, er, hope that pun won't affect my grade.)

Thus concludes my analysis of the ransom note. I am enclosing my address and $15 so that my degree can be processed.

Thank you for reading, and have an evil day!

* * *

**The rest is history. Through a series of coincidences, Doof's thesis was not rejected, and he received his diploma after all.**

**Thank you for reading, and have an evi- I mean, great day!**


	6. One-Shot

**Hm, this one is a bit of a stretch from a prompt as well. It was "the character gets turned into a supernatural being" and somehow that led to this. **

**Prepare yourself for the best story in fanfic history...**

* * *

_Heinz Doofenshmirtz is a werewolf from an alternate dimension who was bitten by a radioactive walrus. Perry the Platypus is a door to door vacuum cleaner salesman for the Charity For People Without Elbows. Together with Felix, their talking ninja housecat, and Perry the Platypus's girlfriend, they will battle the hideous forces of the undead using their semi-aquatic- and walrus-werewolf-related powers in…_

_Plat n' Shmirtz!_

* * *

"So you're doing the exact same thing again?" Jeff McGarland asked.

"Of course not!" Doof insisted. "This time, it's a written one-shot. Totally different. Plus, after you suggested it last time, I gave Perry the Platypus a girlfriend, one that I totally did not shoehorn in."

"Fair point," the TV executive shrugged. "Carry on then."

The evil scientist cleared his throat and continued reading from his script...

* * *

_Perry the Platypus was sitting at the table, fedora perched atop his head as he spooned cereal into his little platypus mouth. His girlfriend, a girl platypus wearing a pink bow, sat next to him. Across from Perry was Heinz, who was reading an article about whales on his smartphone over a morning cup of coffee. _

"_The worst part of being a werewolf is the constant desire to smell people," Heinz remarked, out of the blue. "It makes social situations quite awkward sometimes."_

_Through the catflap, Felix entered._

"_Hey guys, big news," he said. "It turns out that the mayor is a vampire."_

"_Mayor Dracula-Feratu? No way!" Heinz said in disbelief. _

"_We've got proof!" Felix said. "Just yesterday the mayor went to the Restaurant of Natural Sunlight, Mirrors, and Holy Water…"_

_The undead-hunting duo leaned forward, wondering just what the proof could possibly be..._

"_The mayor ordered the Peking Duck, the special of the day. However, he turned down the side of garlic sauce!"_

_Perry and Heinz gasped. Perry's girlfriend also gasped. There was no denying it: the mayor was a vampire. The Better Panda restaurant's Peking Duck was simply dry as a bone without the accompanying sauce._

"_We've got to get him," Heinz said seriously. "Hm… we're going to need some boxes, a fish, and a clipboard."_

* * *

"This is ridiculous," Jeff complained. "It's basically the same as your other pitch."

"Hey, there is nothing wrong with having a set structure for your work," Heinz countered. "One of my favourite shows has 3 simultaneous and predictable storylines that interconnect!"

"Fair point."

* * *

_Evening fell. A sharp knocking demanded that the mayor answer the door. He opened it to see a man and a beaver-duck thing, both wearing bad fake moustaches. The man was holding a clipboard and the beaver-duck was dragging a large box behind him. There was a female beaver-duck there also._

_This was of course Heinz and Perry and his girlfriend, but the mayor didn't recognise them._

"_Good evening, sir. Have we got the deal for you!" Heinz (in disguise) exclaimed in an showy style. "In this very box, I have a vacuum cleaner with a suction power that's out of this world!"_

_Heinz launched into an entire 30-minute presentation, in which the fish they had brought along played a prominent role. The mayor himself was called up several times to be a volunteer. For the rest of it, he just watched intently, patiently, waiting for it to end. _

"_...And it can be yours for the low low price of $999.99," Heinz finished. "Plus shipping."_

"_No sale," the mayor said curtly. "And I'd say that even if I didn't know it was you, Heinz Doofenshmirtz and Perry the Platypus! Only the leader of the infamous undead-hunting duo would give such an unconvincing pitch!"_

"_Damn, I knew I should've let you give the presentation," Heinz whispered to his partner._

"_Minions! Seize them!" Mayor Dracula-Feratu bellowed._

_The ground began to shake. Holes appeared across the entire front lawn, and tiny little hands pushed their way out. _

"_Argh, zombie lawn gnomes!" Heinz exclaimed. "I hate these guys!"_

_Heinz and Perry whipped into action like a well-oiled machine. In one slick motion, Perry grabbed the vacuum cleaner and flicked it on, aiming it at the gnomes like a reverse flamethrower. Limbs from the zombies were sucked into the machine, dismembering many of them._

"_Wow, that is great suction," one of them remarked._

_Heinz had his own moves too. The clouds parted, revealing a full moon, and his werewolf powers activated, turning him into a muscular force to be reckoned with. He also activated his walrus powers, growing a tail, whiskers, and tusks, while also doubling in weight. He slammed into the gnomes, clearing them effortlessly. Perry's girlfriend also helped fight the gnomes._

"_You think you've won?" Roger taunted. "This is only the beginning of my power! I'm going to make blood donations mandatory and give greater tax credits to blood banks and there's nothing you can do to stop me!"_

_He then raised his arms dramatically, and this time the sky itself seemed to shake. In moments, alien saucers filled the sky. _

"_The __fight has just begun!"_

* * *

"...And then they all battle, and in the end, the Plat n' Shmirtz team win because they're the good guys. The end," Doof finished. "Hey, where'd Jeff go?"

The chair was empty, the ropes that had bound Heinz's prisoner now lying slackened on the seat. Heinz turned his head slightly to the right to notice a certain semi-aquatic mammal standing there and looking particularly irate, as if particularly peeved off by being given a girlfriend.

"Ah, Perry the Platypus, you freed him… hehe… how much of that story did you hear?"

The platypus answered with a well-placed blow to the chin.

* * *

**Until next time.**


End file.
